" To live is to suffer, to survive u have to find meaning in the suffering!" ---- DMX

DMX, a gangsta rapper, actor and recent convert to Christianity; sums up life quite well here. well at least my experience that is. on this earth there are some of us that are in a constant state of suffering. and yes to make sense out of all this crazy life we need to understand the whys in life so we can survive and stomach another day filled with let downs and disappointments. i have to constantly remind myself that it is all going to be fine, and when that doesn't work i have to call upon God to hold me up when i want collapse from exhaustion or mental anguish! i am trying to make sense of what i am supposed to be doing for my Father! a year ago i feel He placed two very distinctive paths in front of me.one was a mentoring program to get kids that need extra encouragement to see that they can be successful and hook them up with people to help them in their endeavors and train them up in any areas of weakness they may have, and the second was a very radical approach to cleaning up our community! well option 1 i shared what God had placed on my heart and then was set aside cuz of some shady circumstances. at first i will admit i was deeply hurt and felt very used, but then i figured that the idea wasn't mine anyways, cuz He put it on my heart to share. it took a while but the bitterness is subsiding. and obviously it wasn't meant for me, He must want me to concentrate on path # 2. to be honest i have been blowing it on getting started cuz i was letting myself get distracted with thoughts of anger and bitterness towards those i felt did me wrong. but all along i was probably really stalling cuz option # 2 would throw me right back in the lions den to say the least, plus it could be very dangerous! no not could be, it is dangerous! but as i have said before i believe God pulls us out of the situation that is to our ruin, then makes us strong in Him! then to be thrown back in to reach others that are like we were! I am now a "free agent" for the Lord! i have left the church i have attended for 4 1/2 years, also where i served in leadership for 2 to 3 years, i also resigned from a local ministry organization. these places are good places, they just aren't somewhere i could call home. i am starting to believe that i belong back on the street, cuz "normal" people just don't seem to understand me. yes i still attend church, and a great one at that, but for now i am gun shy on just how much i get involved! i am a lone wolf renegade type and am very comfortable with that and am coming to embrace it openly. i haven't found anyone that i am willing to fall under their authority other than God himself! no one else can seem to handle me or how intense and passionate i can get at times. and to tell u the truth i have always had issues with authority. still learning to submit to others rather than only God! this has been very hard cuz it is against my very nature cuz i truly do not trust my fellow man< well i do trust a very small and select group of people. otherwise people in general have showed that they r really out for themselves and i have grown very ill watching and taking it all in. i haven't given up, i have just gotten more determined to surround myself with like minded people who are not afraid of getting dirty and real for our God! But now i have once again reached the end of my rope. i need to get a tune-up mentally and spiritually> i am confused, tired, and disgusted with life outside and i n the church. i here of "missionary trips" where almost half the time is site seeing and the other part is token ministry in my opinion! sorry! but come on! to me it seems like a vacation with a little service so u can feel good about yourself. whatever keep fooling yourselves people, cuz its really just a vacation u went on! real mission work u don't stay in hotels; u live with the people u r serving and do what they do, eat what they eat, share in their pain and sufferings and threw your dedication and servant heart show them who Jesus is! again just my opinion! i believe we as Christians have strayed so far away from the "Acts" version of church. we don't need a building to maintain, shouldn't have to pay people to preach Gods word or sing worship music to Him! just imagine how mush more effective we could be as followers of "The Way" we could be if we got rid of frivolous expenses like professional paid Christians and building that r in a constant state of decay and repair. just a thought, but as i recall the disciples made it a point to tell us that they were never a burden to those they served cuz they worked to supply their needs! wouldn't it be nice to put pastors secretaries and accountants salaries and building overhead costs and throw that very big amount of money back into the community to solve issues> for example i know a church that has over a million dollar plus take in from tithes. could u imagine how much more good that money could do rather than to serve basically the needs of a Church building and those needed to run it. not to mention what that million plus could do every year! and this is just one church and it has less 2k people attending. could u imagine the money that Joel olsteens mega Church's incoming tithes and offerings could do, let alone just olsteens salary! i bet if we used Gods money correctly,we could solve alot of problems in this world or at least make a serious positive change! i have grown very very tired with our churches being worried about numbers and how much money they need to spend on carpet, citrus water, and all the other wasteful expenditures of what i call a consumer based church instead of a serving church! wake up people, Gods not impressed with this foolish behavior and irresponsible spending! i don't believe God would put His name on most of the expense and resources that are being wasted on stupid bells and whistles that don't get u any closer to God!

"Church as we know it needs a major overhaul! i have a few sledge hammers and can get construction equipment to tear down the walls of churches that keep Gods people out of touch with and serving their fellow man. i don't want to play church, i want to live it out; and i cant do it in the churches of today! God wants us to heal his church; cuz currently most are only serving themselves!~"

so u have a choice to make; either continue playing patty cake in church or get real and serve Gods plans! seriously, read this again after u r ready to look at what i said here and measure weather u r being a consumer or a server!this isn't meant to insult anyone, just want to through these thought out there hoping to wake a few up from their self induced slumber! He is waiting for u to get serious and do something to effect positive change for other!

Search your heart and ask God to reveal to you your part! Then put it into action! you want to here from God this right; " good job my faithful servant!" Right!

till next time, keep it real! remember you have so much more to offer God than you are currently doing, we all do!

renegade soldier of Christ
john h.

Calling all Renegades

From this point on a constant call is being transmitted via Holy Spirit, searching the hearts of men and women who want to jump in the trenches to positively effect change in their communities! He wants to use all of us right where He pulled us from! that's what makes you uniquely qualified, your experience! now that you were made strong in Him, it is time to go back to where you once came to reach the others left behind! time to make serious investment in the future of your community! God isn't going to change it, that's why He woke you up from your slumber! it is your job to ask, realize and then be obedient to call of being the Gate Keeper in your community! so ask God exactly what He has in store for you and then implement it with all you have! He gave you a story, use it and let it and Him be your source of strength to face the giants that plague your community. Nothing is bigger than true faith backed up with humble and righteous service! There is nothing to fear for He overcame all so we could walk tall knowing we serve the Living God!
Search your heart,listen to the soft still voice inside your heart and then do something rather than reach into your pocket and write a check. believe me He doesn't want it if you don't mean it, and what He really wants and always has wanted is you! you are the key to setting a very particular group of people free from the lies that tie down their souls! Don't be like the third servant in the parable of talents and just hide your gift you received from God, afraid to share it cuz you feel someone will take it from you. expand the investment God made in you and start plucking out the people He put in your life from the world and into eternal peace!

Remember God wants to use you to save others from the deep end of the world and the water here isn't clean! Stop playing patty cake in church and step outside the walls where the real battle is being waged! all the armor you need has been provided, but if you need reassurance read Ephesians chapter 6! all the weapons and armour you will ever need are described there.

be strong, radical and righteous for you are sons and daughters of The Most High!

Next CHapter: The Search For Fellow Renegades

Even in the darkness He is there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have lately once again had to fight some personal demons. And admittedly, i kind of let them win and almost let it get the better of me! i was never alone, but for a time that is all i wanted to be. Alone! I was physically, emotionally and yes spiritually drained. I had seen and felt far too many let downs, i was starting to not like or trust anyone outside of my immediate family. Ok, yeah i know this sounds messed up for a man that believes to be feeling this way! listen to me first, almost 4 1/2 years ago i walked away from a well paying but dangerous and illegal lifestyle and gave my life over to God, hoping to find some rest and relief from the scant less lifestyle and people of the life i had set aside.
yes, of course i received huge relief when i gave my life over to Christ! I was just naive to think that i could escape the diseases of the world inside the church! It actually became my greatest let down and biggest source of bitterness, anger and rage! it was horrible! to be honest the scars i have received in the past 4 1/2 years cut far deeper than any past wounds. believe me my wounds in the past are deep and far too burdensome for most to carry around, but these wounds came when i let my guard down and i wasnt expecting them! its not that any or all instances could even compare to just one what i would call a "normal" day for me before Christ. but before Christ i accepted all the possibilities and dangers and hard decisions i would have to live with for the rest of my life by choosing life on the other side of the law, basically i was prepared and at least not surprised for many outcomes i had faced. but as a new believer, i literally shed the old life for the new along with my street smarts, general distrust and alot of barrier walls. little by little i learned that i needed to raise the shields back up, hold back some and retain some of my street sense back. its sad but at times i wished i was back dealing with the goofy people in my past cuz u always knew what to expect and if someone attacked u they always came in the front door and never the back. not that i never got stabbed in the back in that crazy life, i did plenty of times, but my attackers would at least stick around to let me know it was them. but as a christian it was like i was dealing with ninja assassins, i never knew what i did wrong or to who, i was just left on my knees digging daggers out of my back.
but hey no big deal life goes on, forgive and forget so i too may be forgiven! ok here is the disclaimer, i am by no means without fault, bad decisions and reactions, or without sin here!!! i am a straight shooter and one that isnt afraid to poke my head up while others would rather bury it in the sand, so of course i have run into alot of obstacles and discrepancies and yes i may have hurt some feelings by being a little too honest at times. ok lesson learned there too, now i just keep my observations and opinions to myself as much as i possibly can. occasionally some poor soul does something silly and i unload with a dissertation cuz i had just reached my limit with the foolishness. so i have to of course apologize and try to make it right. but eventually it all started to get in the way of corporate worship and the ministry work i was doing. i had reached a point that no matter how much i ignored or walked away from it was being thrown in my face. yes i know who was behind that, "maybe was it satan?" sorry lol, i had to it was fitting the quote the church lady from saturday night live. sorry if u dont get it dont worry i usually tend to lose people with my humor.


you know what this is not what i wanted to say! so here it is! i am done serving for organizations that "serve" God! i will serve as prompted by God and the Holy Spirit... i will start gathering fellow renegades who aren't afraid of being real and getting dirty to do Gods work...i will continue to pray worship and read His Word daily... i will continue to be the shepherd in my family never letting any stray to far from home...i will continue to be honest that i am a work in total progress... i will continue to give grace even when it is not deserved, cuz i received it from Him everyday...
i will not sign my allegiance over to a particular church, Christ said not to split his church....i will not get comfortable i n my faith.... i will never walk away from Him....i will never become a professional christian.... i will never be defined by my religion....i will never let anyone or thing get in between myself and my Father.................................!!

Operation Renegade Soldier begins!