" To live is to suffer, to survive u have to find meaning in the suffering!" ---- DMX

DMX, a gangsta rapper, actor and recent convert to Christianity; sums up life quite well here. well at least my experience that is. on this earth there are some of us that are in a constant state of suffering. and yes to make sense out of all this crazy life we need to understand the whys in life so we can survive and stomach another day filled with let downs and disappointments. i have to constantly remind myself that it is all going to be fine, and when that doesn't work i have to call upon God to hold me up when i want collapse from exhaustion or mental anguish! i am trying to make sense of what i am supposed to be doing for my Father! a year ago i feel He placed two very distinctive paths in front of me.one was a mentoring program to get kids that need extra encouragement to see that they can be successful and hook them up with people to help them in their endeavors and train them up in any areas of weakness they may have, and the second was a very radical approach to cleaning up our community! well option 1 i shared what God had placed on my heart and then was set aside cuz of some shady circumstances. at first i will admit i was deeply hurt and felt very used, but then i figured that the idea wasn't mine anyways, cuz He put it on my heart to share. it took a while but the bitterness is subsiding. and obviously it wasn't meant for me, He must want me to concentrate on path # 2. to be honest i have been blowing it on getting started cuz i was letting myself get distracted with thoughts of anger and bitterness towards those i felt did me wrong. but all along i was probably really stalling cuz option # 2 would throw me right back in the lions den to say the least, plus it could be very dangerous! no not could be, it is dangerous! but as i have said before i believe God pulls us out of the situation that is to our ruin, then makes us strong in Him! then to be thrown back in to reach others that are like we were! I am now a "free agent" for the Lord! i have left the church i have attended for 4 1/2 years, also where i served in leadership for 2 to 3 years, i also resigned from a local ministry organization. these places are good places, they just aren't somewhere i could call home. i am starting to believe that i belong back on the street, cuz "normal" people just don't seem to understand me. yes i still attend church, and a great one at that, but for now i am gun shy on just how much i get involved! i am a lone wolf renegade type and am very comfortable with that and am coming to embrace it openly. i haven't found anyone that i am willing to fall under their authority other than God himself! no one else can seem to handle me or how intense and passionate i can get at times. and to tell u the truth i have always had issues with authority. still learning to submit to others rather than only God! this has been very hard cuz it is against my very nature cuz i truly do not trust my fellow man< well i do trust a very small and select group of people. otherwise people in general have showed that they r really out for themselves and i have grown very ill watching and taking it all in. i haven't given up, i have just gotten more determined to surround myself with like minded people who are not afraid of getting dirty and real for our God! But now i have once again reached the end of my rope. i need to get a tune-up mentally and spiritually> i am confused, tired, and disgusted with life outside and i n the church. i here of "missionary trips" where almost half the time is site seeing and the other part is token ministry in my opinion! sorry! but come on! to me it seems like a vacation with a little service so u can feel good about yourself. whatever keep fooling yourselves people, cuz its really just a vacation u went on! real mission work u don't stay in hotels; u live with the people u r serving and do what they do, eat what they eat, share in their pain and sufferings and threw your dedication and servant heart show them who Jesus is! again just my opinion! i believe we as Christians have strayed so far away from the "Acts" version of church. we don't need a building to maintain, shouldn't have to pay people to preach Gods word or sing worship music to Him! just imagine how mush more effective we could be as followers of "The Way" we could be if we got rid of frivolous expenses like professional paid Christians and building that r in a constant state of decay and repair. just a thought, but as i recall the disciples made it a point to tell us that they were never a burden to those they served cuz they worked to supply their needs! wouldn't it be nice to put pastors secretaries and accountants salaries and building overhead costs and throw that very big amount of money back into the community to solve issues> for example i know a church that has over a million dollar plus take in from tithes. could u imagine how much more good that money could do rather than to serve basically the needs of a Church building and those needed to run it. not to mention what that million plus could do every year! and this is just one church and it has less 2k people attending. could u imagine the money that Joel olsteens mega Church's incoming tithes and offerings could do, let alone just olsteens salary! i bet if we used Gods money correctly,we could solve alot of problems in this world or at least make a serious positive change! i have grown very very tired with our churches being worried about numbers and how much money they need to spend on carpet, citrus water, and all the other wasteful expenditures of what i call a consumer based church instead of a serving church! wake up people, Gods not impressed with this foolish behavior and irresponsible spending! i don't believe God would put His name on most of the expense and resources that are being wasted on stupid bells and whistles that don't get u any closer to God!

"Church as we know it needs a major overhaul! i have a few sledge hammers and can get construction equipment to tear down the walls of churches that keep Gods people out of touch with and serving their fellow man. i don't want to play church, i want to live it out; and i cant do it in the churches of today! God wants us to heal his church; cuz currently most are only serving themselves!~"

so u have a choice to make; either continue playing patty cake in church or get real and serve Gods plans! seriously, read this again after u r ready to look at what i said here and measure weather u r being a consumer or a server!this isn't meant to insult anyone, just want to through these thought out there hoping to wake a few up from their self induced slumber! He is waiting for u to get serious and do something to effect positive change for other!

Search your heart and ask God to reveal to you your part! Then put it into action! you want to here from God this right; " good job my faithful servant!" Right!

till next time, keep it real! remember you have so much more to offer God than you are currently doing, we all do!

renegade soldier of Christ
john h.