Next CHapter: The Search For Fellow Renegades

Even in the darkness He is there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have lately once again had to fight some personal demons. And admittedly, i kind of let them win and almost let it get the better of me! i was never alone, but for a time that is all i wanted to be. Alone! I was physically, emotionally and yes spiritually drained. I had seen and felt far too many let downs, i was starting to not like or trust anyone outside of my immediate family. Ok, yeah i know this sounds messed up for a man that believes to be feeling this way! listen to me first, almost 4 1/2 years ago i walked away from a well paying but dangerous and illegal lifestyle and gave my life over to God, hoping to find some rest and relief from the scant less lifestyle and people of the life i had set aside.
yes, of course i received huge relief when i gave my life over to Christ! I was just naive to think that i could escape the diseases of the world inside the church! It actually became my greatest let down and biggest source of bitterness, anger and rage! it was horrible! to be honest the scars i have received in the past 4 1/2 years cut far deeper than any past wounds. believe me my wounds in the past are deep and far too burdensome for most to carry around, but these wounds came when i let my guard down and i wasnt expecting them! its not that any or all instances could even compare to just one what i would call a "normal" day for me before Christ. but before Christ i accepted all the possibilities and dangers and hard decisions i would have to live with for the rest of my life by choosing life on the other side of the law, basically i was prepared and at least not surprised for many outcomes i had faced. but as a new believer, i literally shed the old life for the new along with my street smarts, general distrust and alot of barrier walls. little by little i learned that i needed to raise the shields back up, hold back some and retain some of my street sense back. its sad but at times i wished i was back dealing with the goofy people in my past cuz u always knew what to expect and if someone attacked u they always came in the front door and never the back. not that i never got stabbed in the back in that crazy life, i did plenty of times, but my attackers would at least stick around to let me know it was them. but as a christian it was like i was dealing with ninja assassins, i never knew what i did wrong or to who, i was just left on my knees digging daggers out of my back.
but hey no big deal life goes on, forgive and forget so i too may be forgiven! ok here is the disclaimer, i am by no means without fault, bad decisions and reactions, or without sin here!!! i am a straight shooter and one that isnt afraid to poke my head up while others would rather bury it in the sand, so of course i have run into alot of obstacles and discrepancies and yes i may have hurt some feelings by being a little too honest at times. ok lesson learned there too, now i just keep my observations and opinions to myself as much as i possibly can. occasionally some poor soul does something silly and i unload with a dissertation cuz i had just reached my limit with the foolishness. so i have to of course apologize and try to make it right. but eventually it all started to get in the way of corporate worship and the ministry work i was doing. i had reached a point that no matter how much i ignored or walked away from it was being thrown in my face. yes i know who was behind that, "maybe was it satan?" sorry lol, i had to it was fitting the quote the church lady from saturday night live. sorry if u dont get it dont worry i usually tend to lose people with my humor.


you know what this is not what i wanted to say! so here it is! i am done serving for organizations that "serve" God! i will serve as prompted by God and the Holy Spirit... i will start gathering fellow renegades who aren't afraid of being real and getting dirty to do Gods work...i will continue to pray worship and read His Word daily... i will continue to be the shepherd in my family never letting any stray to far from home...i will continue to be honest that i am a work in total progress... i will continue to give grace even when it is not deserved, cuz i received it from Him everyday...
i will not sign my allegiance over to a particular church, Christ said not to split his church....i will not get comfortable i n my faith.... i will never walk away from Him....i will never become a professional christian.... i will never be defined by my religion....i will never let anyone or thing get in between myself and my Father.................................!!

Operation Renegade Soldier begins!